Here’s the lord of Mar-a-Lago ranting Tuesday night during his so-called debate with Joe Biden:

As you know today there was a big problem. In Philadelphia, they went in to watch. They are called poll watchers. They are very safe, very nice thing. They were thrown out. They weren’t allowed to watch. You know why? Because bad things happen in Philadelphia. Bad things.

Swamp Rabbit and I live in the Tinicum swamp near Philly, so we wondered what Donald Trump was talking about. Turns out he was referring to satellite election offices, where you can register to vote and pick up or drop off mail-in ballots.

“Trump ain’t got no certified poll watchers in Philly,” Swamp Rabbit noted. “Polling places ain’t even open yet. He’s just trying to make his MAGA wackos believe all them big-city Dems are gonna rig the election by stealing votes from him.”

I had to agree with my mangy friend for a change. But why does Trump keep casting doubt on the legitimacy of the voting process? Isn’t he afraid his boorish behavior at the debates will backfire and chase away the undecided voters he would need to win the election?

“There ain’t no undecided voters,” Swamp Rabbit said. “Trump knows he’s gonna lose. He just wants to hold on to the wackos so they will back him when he tries to use the courts to overturn the election results.”

“I can’t believe that’ll actually happen,” I replied. “Trump is a fraud and a sociopath and a cancer on the body politic and all that, but even he wouldn’t try to pull off a coup in the world’s oldest constitutional democracy.”

Swamp Rabbit listed bad things some people thought Trump wouldn’t do: deliberate mishandling of a major health crisis, resulting in tens of thousands of avoidable deaths; withdrawal from the Paris Agreement; caging of immigrant children; deliberate alienation of democratic allies while cultivating good relations with tyrants; attempted extortion of a foreign power; condoning of criminal behavior by rogue cops and white supremacists.

I stopped him before he could go on and he said, “The point is he ain’t leaving the White House if he can help it. He is what he is. There ain’t no need for more debates. “

“There’s got to be a better way,” I replied. “Maybe the people who run the debates can modify the rules so Trump can’t bully the moderator or interrupt his opponent or talk way past the two-minute limit or tell lies. Maybe they can make him behave like a decent human instead of a rabid hog monster.”

Swamp Rabbit looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “It’s a little late for that, doncha think?”