One of those bizarre amphibious “duck boats,” jammed with tourists, cruised past me on South Street today. The tour guide, using a mic and amp system, was shouting, “Pay attention, I’ll tell you how to speak Philadelphian. One, two, three… Yo cous, how ya doin’, wadda ya say?”

If I was on the boat I would have replied, “I’m OK, cous, but don’t go near the wood-er. I don’t wanna get drowned-ed.”

I know, bad joke. I’m just hoping the duck-boat people and the tugboat operators on the Delaware River have their act together, and I’m glad there haven’t been any more unfortunate accidents on land or in the water. One improvement — the tours aren’t half as annoying to locals as they used to be, now that passengers don’t receive their “duck call instruments” until after the rides are finished.