Bimbo pop, then back to the bogus trial

Posted on February 6, 2020 by oddmanout215

“What a week!” Swamp Rabbit said. “On Sunday the Super Bowl. On Monday and Tuesday, the Iowa caususes and the State of the Union address. On Wednesday them Republican weasels acquit Trump. That’s four different reasons to get drunk.”

“Four excuses to catch up on my reading,” I said. “Those are nonsense events. A lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing but the slow death of the republic.”

The rabbit was taken aback. “You should chill, Odd Man. Things ain’t that bad.”

Oh yes they are, I told him. In past years, I sent good writers to cover the Super Bowl — Faulkner, Chandler, Virginia Woolf. This year nobody wanted to go, they were all sick of the bombast and the bowing to the military and the bad music at the overproduced halftime shows.

Shakira and J-Lo had been booked to shake their assets at millions of flabby, beer-swilling bozos in living rooms all over the land. I predicted the media sages would call the show an “empowering” display of female and “Latinx” solidarity.

“What you got against women with good bodies shaking their assets?” Swamp Rabbit said.

“I’m all for it,” I replied. “Just don’t tell me it’s some kind of political statement. It’s just Jay-Z and the NFL using women to further enrich themselves.”

As it turned out, the Super Bowl was no more annoying than the bizarre display of presidential candidates cruising the caucuses for convention delegates in tiny Iowa. The primary ritual in Iowa seemed even dumber than usual this year thanks to a malfunctioning “caucus app” that indefinitely delayed the final vote tally.

Then came the presidential address to Congress, which was more about the ugly state of Donald Trump’s mind than about the state of the union. He rattled off a long series of lies and hit a new low by presenting the Medal of Freedom to the nation’s foremost woman hater and racist, Rush Limbaugh. Nancy Pelosi brought the obscene spectacle to a fitting end by shredding her copy of Trump’s foul speech.

The next day Senate Republicans, with the surprise exception of Mitt Romney, re-affirmed their fealty to the most corrupt president in U.S. history and shattered the myth that “checks and balances” built into the U.S. Constitution ensure our protection from would-be dictators. “Not guilty,” they said, one after the other.

I stopped by Swamp Rabbit’s shack after the impeachment trial verdict and found him passed out on the floor, surrounded by empty cans and bottles. “Who won the Super Bowl?” he asked when I woke him.

“Trump did, 52 to 48,” I told him. “The fix was in.”

Posted in history, humor, mainstream media, Mitt Romney, weasel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

GOP: He’s guilty, so what, let’s acquit

Posted on February 1, 2020 by oddmanout215

Swamp Rabbit said he was worried about me. I wasn’t working today, and I hadn’t even ventured outside my swamp shack to pick a fight with someone.

“Stop watching that impeachment trial,” he said. “It’s turning you into a nut job.”

I told him it should make everyone nutty now that Republican senators, after three years of groveling before Donald Trump, have sunk to the point where they won’t even permit the appearance of a fair trial by voting to include witnesses and relevant documents. They’re telling us Trump was correct when he falsely claimed that Article II of the Constitution gives him “the right to do whatever I want as president.”

They’re agreeing with Alan Dershowitz, who signaled his approval of an imperial presidency by absurdly arguing that a quid pro quo entered into for personal gain by an elected official can’t be illegal so long as that official believes “his election is in the public interest.”

“I blame Claus von Bulow,” I said. “They made a movie about his overturned murder conviction, and the movie made that dirtbag Dershowitz look like a hero. It made him famous.”

“It ain’t just Dershowitz,” Swamp Rabbit said. “They’re all dirtbags. They’re all in the loop. Them senators and lawyers and Cabinet members, them yahoos in Wildwood, New Jersey who like Trump on account of he hates blacks and immigrants and tree huggers — they wouldn’t be propping up Trump if they wasn’t as rotten as he is.”

He’s right. John Bolton, the mustache behind the door, is too concerned about book sales to share his first-hand knowledge of Trump’s law-breaking before the so-called trial is over. Lamar Alexander and other Senate “moderates” have admitted they know Trump abused his power but say they’ll vote to acquit anyway.

Lisa Murkowski lamented the failure of the Senate — a failure in which she played a key role. And here’s Marco Rubio, who seems as stupid as he is gutless: “Just because actions meet a standard of impeachment does not mean it is in the best interest of the country to remove a President from office.”

I kicked my oatmeal bowl off the porch and into the swamp. “Rubio says removing a corrupt president isn’t in our best interest. He’s worse than Dershowitz.”

Swamp Rabbit opened a can of beer and chuckled. “I was where you’re at last week, Odd Man. It don’t do no good to get your blood pressure up. All you can do is vote the crook out of office in November.”

I reached for my oatmeal bowl before it sank. “He was impeached for trying to steal the election, and he’s getting away with it. What makes you think he won’t try again and not get caught next time?”

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Change your story, change your life!

Posted on January 29, 2020 by oddmanout215

Swamp Rabbit and I were arguing about lying politicians. I used to think most of them lied only when they thought there was little danger of being found out. Like Richard Nixon, who famously said, “I’m not a crook.”

But expectations have changed, especially among Republicans. Donald Trump has made more than 15,000 false or misleading claims in his three years as president, and he’s proud of it.

Trump is in the vanguard of something new. He lies even when he knows there is recorded evidence that he’s lying. The same is true of Ted Cruz, who has made easily refuted claims about Beto O’Rourke, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Barack Obama and even Trump.

“The worst liar might be Lindsey Graham,” I said. “That boy will look out the window at a blizzard and tell you the sun is shining.”

Swamp Rabbit told me I’m old-fashioned, Republicans are hip to new cultural realities. “They ain’t lying, they’re just changing their stories,” he said. “Ain’t no moving forward if you don’t let go the past. You change your story to change your life.”

He sounded like one of those New Age, posi-vibe guys; like Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker who has helped his acolytes, including Bill Clinton, overcome negative thinking in order to “unleash the power within” while navigating the road to success.

“You can deny the past but you can’t really let it go,” I said. “It comes back to bite you. The truth will out.”

“You’re wrong, Odd Man,” he said. “This here’s the post-truth era. Them fifty-three Republican senators at the impeachment trial know Trump tried to shake down that Ukrainian, but they’d rather walk on hot coals than vote to convict.”

“What if John Bolton testifies?” I said. “He’s a first-hand witness.”

He shrugged. “They’re gonna change their stories if they absolutely got to, but they ain’t never gonna admit to lying.”

Footnote: The New York Times, Washington Post and the rest of the mainstream media know Lindsey Graham is a world-class liar who changes his stories as often as he changes his ties. They sometimes report his individual lies and contradictory statements, but never attack his credibility in a comprehensive way. Where’s that story, except in the Intercept and other alternative publications?

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NYT to readers: Vote for both of them

Posted on January 22, 2020 by oddmanout215

“This is pathetic,” I said after reading the editorial twice. “What’s going on at the New York Times?”

Swamp Rabbit looked confused. “How would I know? I ain’t no Manhattan neolib. I live in a shack in Tinicum swamp, just like you.”

I was baffled. An endorsement, by definition, involves choosing one candidate over all the others. Why choose two, unless you’re trying to confuse your readers?

Swamp Rabbit took a minute to check the editorial then read aloud from it:

Both the radical and the realist models warrant serious consideration. If there were ever a time to be open to new ideas, it is now. If there were ever a time to seek stability, now is it. That’s why we’re endorsing the most effective advocates for each approach. They are Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar.

Warren is the radical, you see, and Klobuchar is realistic. I couldn’t help wondering how often The Times‘s editorial writers venture outside their glass-and-steel tower, and how they’re defining their terms.

Warren is actually a New Deal-style Democrat, with beliefs and policy ideas similar to those of Bernie Sanders, a candidate the Times calls divisive and despises. Klobuchar is middle-of-the-road, a lot like Joe Biden but blander and not as gaffe-prone. How her politics equates with realism is a mystery to me.

“They mean she’s a go-slow type,” Swamp Rabbit said. “They’re saying she can do what Warren wants to do, but without rocking the boat. Don’t make much sense when you think about it.”

I told him the Times editorial tells us more about the Times than it does about Warren or Klobuchar. The famed newspaper of record badly misjudged the mood of the country when it confidently endorsed Hillary Clinton in 2016. It still doesn’t understand Trump’s appeal. It’s hoping to get back some credibility by hedging its bets in 2020, by being all things to all people who aren’t Trump-loving troglodytes.

“Who cares about them editorial writers anyway?” the rabbit said. “They all work for corporations. I know bloggers who make more sense.”

I nodded. He said, “Don’t jump to no conclusions, I ain’t talking about you.”

Posted in humor, mainstream media, Politics | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Magnanimous she ain’t

Posted on January 21, 2020 by oddmanout215

“What’s Hillary so mad about?” Swamp Rabbit said after I read the tweet to him. “Didn’t Bernie endorse her in 2016 after he dropped out, even though he knew she had connived with the DNC to make sure he didn’t have a real shot at the nomination? Didn’t he campaign for her?”

I nodded. “She says Bernie’s a career politician, nobody likes him, blah blah. The shrinks would say she’s talking about herself, projecting her faults onto others. Trump does the same thing.”

“But that don’t make no sense,” he said, slapping the flimsy kitchen table in my swamp shack. “The goal for the Democrats is to beat the nastiest, cheating-est, rotten-est president in U.S. history. Ain’t nothing more important. Why badmouth Trump’s potential opponent?”

“No mystery there,” I replied. “She has to blame Bernie for her loss in 2016. Or else admit she was a terrible candidate, possibly the only Democrat who wasn’t capable of beating someone as corrupt and stupid as Trump. She won’t go there, it’s too painful.”

“Then why don’t she just shut up and let them voters decide?”

“She wants to influence voters,” I said. “To sway them toward the candidate she prefers, whoever that is.”

This time Swamp Rabbit threw his empty flask across the room. “That don’t make no sense neither. She lost to Trump. Who would listen to her?”

“You’d be surprised,” I said. “Besides, she’s got a new documentary coming out. She wants people to watch, even if they didn’t vote for her. She may not be running for office anymore, but she still has a career.”

Footnote: I voted for Hillary in 2016 along with most other Bernie fans. It should always be mentioned that she got almost three million more votes than Trump but “lost” because of the Electoral College, which should be abolished. She could have won despite her negatives by campaigning more aggressively in some key northern states. But she didn’t.

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Who’s more anti-Bernie? It’s too close to call.

Posted on January 19, 2020 by oddmanout215

Matt Taibbi’s succinct summary of Joy Reid’s most recent attempt at character assassination:

If you combine junk forensics and yellow journalism, you get this peak-stupidity moment by MSNBC – having a “body language expert” on to declare Bernie Sanders a liar.

What’s next from Reid? Maybe she’ll get Sybil the Soothsayer from Sidney Lumet’s Network to predict that Bernie’s election would result in the end of the world.

Swamp Rabbit thinks MSNBC is more blatantly anti-Bernie than CNN. I think it’s a tie.

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Dems’ circular firing squad takes aim

Posted on January 17, 2020 by oddmanout215

Swamp Rabbit wanted to know why the corporate news media are blatantly anti-Bernie.

“Because he’s a pushy old guy from the Bronx,” I said. “Because he complains about their biased coverage of his campaign.”

Swamp Rabbit was referring to the recent candidates’ debate in which CNN talking head Abby Phillip asked Bernie Sanders why he told Elizabeth Warren that a woman could not win the presidential election. Sanders denied the charge. Phillip then turned to Warren and said, “Senator Warren, what did you think when Senator Sanders told you a woman could not win the election?”

“It’s like she was calling Bernie a liar,” Swamp Rabbit said. “Them talking heads on CNN don’t even give him the benefit of the doubt.”

I tried again to explain. All the big media outlets hate Sanders for saying they’re in bed with Wall Street and the health insurance industry and the defense industry and the student loan racket and Big Pharma. He makes them look bad, and they get even by distorting his policies and pretending he’s not doing well as a candidate.

The real surprise is Warren, who heightened the drama by confronting Sanders after the debate. By openly feuding with him, the only other progressive in the race, she arguably weakens both of their campaigns and strengthens Biden and Buttigieg, the corporate-friendly candidates. The CEOs who run the corporate media would love to see Sanders and Warren knock each other out of the race.

“I don’t get it,” Swamp Rabbit said. “Why did Warren make it a #MeToo moment?” She might as well have said Bernie is a — what’s the word? — a mis-og-o-nist. What good’s that gonna do her in the long run? ”

“She knows he’s not a misogynist,” I replied. “She was pissed. Some of Bernie’s campaign workers have been telling people she can’t win because rednecks will never vote for her.”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m a redneck and I’d vote for her in a heartbeat. I’d vote for Booty if I had to, or for Biden, God forbid. Consider the alternative.”

I didn’t reply. The alternative is unthinkable.

Posted in humor, mainstream media, Wall Street | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

If I lived in Iran, I’d hate us too

Posted on January 14, 2020 by oddmanout215

Swamp Rabbit wanted to know why Iran hates America, the beacon of democracy and the land of opportunity. “Just because,” I told him.

Iran hates us just because we overthrew its democratically elected prime minister and propped up the corrupt Shah (1953). Just because we backed Iraq in the Iran-Iraq war, which cost more than a half-million lives (1980-1988). Just because we shot down an Iranian airliner, killing all 290 people on board (1988). Just because we withdrew from the Iran nuclear deal and doubled down on economic sanctions that have hurt millions of Iranian citizens.

And just because we took out Qasem Suleimani, the second most powerful character in Iran and a national hero.

“What you mean by took out?” Swamp Rabbit said. “Did we wine and dine him?”

I told him “took out” is a U.S. military euphemism. It sounds cooler than “killed,” much less alarming than “assassinated” and not nearly as ugly as “murdered,” the word used by former New York Times reporter James Risen in an Intercept piece about the hypocrisy of American foreign policy.

“But Suleimani was a terrorist,” Swamp Rabbit said, playing devil’s advocate. “His posses killed hundreds of Americans.”

“Depends which side of the fence you’re on,” I replied. “If you’re in Iran or Iraq, you probably think Bush and Cheney are terrorists, and Petraeus and the other generals. How many people did they kill, and for what?”

“But Mike Pompeo said Suleimani was planning more attacks,” he said. “What’s the big deal about killing him?”

I told him President Gerald Ford issued an executive order banning assassinations (1976). A current version of the ban is still in effect. Which means killing Suleimani was illegal. Which means we shouldn’t be outraged or even surprised if Iran blows up some high-ranking U.S. officials.

“But Pompeo said attacks were imminent,” Swamp Rabbit insisted. “And this was — what you call it? — a targeted killing, not an assassination.”

“Pompeo is an evangelical Christian and an Opus Dei ally,” I replied. ‘He hates Iran for being an infidel country and thinks good Christians will continue to fight infidels right up to the Rapture. He thinks lying is okay if you’re lying for the Lord. His mascot Mike Pence feels the same way.”

Swamp Rabbit reached for his whiskey flask and drank deep. He was enjoying himself. “But them bosses in Iran are religious freaks, too. They treat the peeps like dirt. They got big chiefs called ayatollahs. Ayatollah means sign of God.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “The point is that America is run by bigots and hypocrites, just like Iran. Our laws would be just as oppressive as Iran’s if Trump and Pompeo and the rest could have their way. It’s something our news media will never acknowledge.”

“Well, no shit,” he said. “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

Footnote: Sure, the assassination ban is vague. Several presidents, including Barack Obama, argued that it doesn’t apply to targeted killings of “nonstate actors” — Osama bin Laden, for example. But Suleimani was definitely not a nonstate actor. If the ban doesn’t cover his case, it’s worthless.

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National nightmare, localized

Posted on January 10, 2020 by oddmanout215

The flu bug latched on last weekend at the Farm Show and flattened me when I got back to the shack. My bones were creaky and my head was on fire, so I chugged NyQuil and climbed onto my hammock to sweat it out.

My swamp cats, Thoughts and Prayers, stretched out next to me. I was hoping for the bliss of sleep but what I got was a 24-hour nightmare about some orange-faced freak who became president despite losing the election by three million votes.

The freak mocked a disabled person on camera and bragged about being a pussy grabber. He used donations to a charity to pay his legal fees and campaign funds to prop up his ailing businesses. Published a book called The Art of the Deal during a ten-year period in which his businesses lost more than a billion dollars. Was fined $25 million for swindling attendees of his fake university. Retained the unwavering support of white evangelicals who ignored ample evidence of his corruption and bigotry. Separated immigrant children from their parents and jailed the children. Sabotaged the EPA as the climate emergency worsened.

I got up twice. The nightmare grew darker each time I went back to sleep. The freak threatened to start a war with North Korea, a nuclear power. Escaped criminal charges despite obstructing an investigation into his intimate relationship with a foreign dictator who interfered with U.S. elections. Was impeached for the attempted extortion of the president of Ukraine. Retained the unwavering support of almost all Republican senators who will serve as jurors at his Senate trial. Dashed hope of Mideast peace by ordering the assassination of Qasem Soleimani, the second most powerful figure in Iran.

The next day I was still sick but back on my feet. Swamp Rabbit dropped by with some stale biscuits. “I dreamed that an orange hog monster became president and was trying to destroy the world,” I told him. “Thank God that’s over.”

“That weren’t no dream and it ain’t over,” Swamp Rabbit said. “It’s only just begun.”

Posted in apocalypse, climate change, Congress, environmentalism, history, humor, mainstream media | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The satire-proof president

Posted on January 3, 2020 by oddmanout215

I showed Swamp Rabbit a news story and noted that no one could write a more bat-shit funny satire of Donald Trump’s thought processes than Trump himself.

We’ll have an economy based on wind. I never understood wind. You know, I know windmills very much. I’ve studied it better than anybody. I know it’s very expensive. They’re made in China and Germany mostly — very few made here, almost none. But they’re manufactured tremendous — if you’re into this — tremendous fumes. Gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right? So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint — fumes are spewing into the air. Right? Spewing. Whether it’s in China, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything — right? So they make these things and then they put them up.

“That ain’t satire,” Swamp Rabbit said, reading Trump’s remarks. “He don’t do no satires of himself. He don’t do no jokes at all except to pick on somebody weaker than him.”

“That’s my point, rabbit,” I replied. “He’s never joking when he says something stupid. He’s irony-free and satire-proof. He’s performing, but he believes what he says and so do his fans. If Trump says wind power is dirty — that turbines spew fumes — then that’s good enough for Trumpers.”

I told him it took the emergence of Trump to remind literate people that there are limits to the usefulness of satire and other literary devices that have been used through the ages to shame authority figures into behaving better. You can’t shame the shameless.

“What about Stephen Colbert and them other comedians on TV?” Swamp Rabbit said. “Why can’t they get through to Trump’s peeps?”

“Because Trump’s peeps don’t watch them,” I replied. “If they did watch, they wouldn’t get the jokes.”

Footnote: Trump’s bizarre opinion of wind power has nothing to do with pollution, of course. It dates to the bitter battle he fought to stop construction of an offshore wind farm near his golf course in Scotland because he felt the wind farm would spoil the view from the course.

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