Earlier this week I asked my neighbor Swamp Rabbit to name his choice for the most odious Donald Trump underling. He started mimicking Vice President JD Vance:

“Who should I attack today, sir? The childless cat ladies are still up in arms, and those dog-eating Haitians have yet to be deported. How about the Hungarians who rejected your dictator friend Orban after I campaigned for the guy? Or I could bully Zelenskyy into surrendering part of Ukraine to Putin, your favorite tyrant. Your wish is my command, sir.”

This was my cue to pretend I was Trump. “Your next assignment is to bum-rush Pope Leo. He’s weak on crime and he dissed me for my sneak attack on Iran that upset the world economy and raised the price of everything. It was a beautiful sneak attack, the best sneak attack ever.”

We watched the news for days, waiting for Vance, a converted Catholic, to bum-rush the first American pope. Sure enough, the VP took issue with Leo’s assertion that a disciple of Christ should never side with “those who once wielded the sword and today drop bombs.” At an event in Athens, GA, he warned Leo to “be careful when he talks about matters of theology.”

“He’s lecturing the pope on theology,” Swamp Rabbit said. “Telling him the fiasco in Iran is a just war. He don’t know shit about justice.”

I told my rowdy neighbor I was drawing up a petition that would call on Pope Leo to excommunicate Vance, a fake populist who sold his soul to Peter Thiel, the fascist billionaire who funneled $15 million into Vance’s successful run for the Senate in 2022. Later on he also sold his soul to Trump, reversing his claim that the orange hog monster was “America’s Hitler.” (Vance could have taught Christopher Marlowe a thing or two about Faustian bargains.)

“That’s medieval shit, Odd Man. The pope ain’t gonna excommunicate Vance. The VP runs with the devil, but he’s entitled to his opinion.”

“I’m joking,” I said. “If Vance got excommunicated, he’d just make an adjustment. He’d join the Church of the SubGenius if he thought it would help him win an election. The pope is better off ignoring him.”