The spookiest Halloween ever


Swamp Rabbit’s parole office Victor Cortez dropped by yesterday at my shack in the Tinicum swamp while the rabbit and I were critiquing Donald Trump’s performance at his final debate with Joe Biden. “I’m the least racist person in this swamp,” Victor said, doing a dead-on Trump impression.

Swamp Rabbit handed him a beer. “That’s because you the only person in this swamp, ‘cept for Odd Man and me.”

“No president has done more for the Black community than I have, except maybe Abraham Lincoln,” Victor added, making weird, Trumpian hand gestures. “Ask my black friends. Any of them.”

“That shouldn’t take long,” I said. “The only Black friend you’ve got is Kanye West.”

Swamp Rabbit objected. “That ain’t fair. Just because Trump wanted to have the Central Park Five executed don’t mean he ain’t got no Black friends. Just because his real estate company screened out Black applicants and his casinos treated Black employees like they was in the deep South don’t mean Black peeps ain’t gonna vote for him.”

“White suburban women will vote for me, too,” Victor said. “They know I’ll keep my Black friends out of their neighborhoods.”

Victor was really getting into his Trump impression. He snapped open his valise and pulled out a strawberry-blonde fright wig and a jar of pumpkin-colored makeup and a red tie that was four yards long. A few minutes later he looked like the real deal. Like he was ready to go door to door for Halloween dressed as the worst president in U.S. history. “Trick or treat!” he said.

“Try not to be a complete whack job,” I told him. “There won’t be any trick-or-treating this year, not with the Covid-19 surging.”

“Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid,” Victor said, quoting Trump. “People are tired of all this Covid stuff.”

I reminded him that the country set a new single-day record on Friday with over 83,000 new Covid infections. Millions of people remain out of work because of the plague. There might be another 200,000 Covid deaths by January unless people wear masks and abide by all the other measures that help mitigate the spread of the virus.

“Fake news!” he shouted. “I came down with the China virus and I beat it, no problem.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I said. “Thanks to those two drugs that other infected people don’t have access to. And steroids, of course.”

Swamp Rabbit congratulated Victor on his Trump outfit and asked what he planned to do with it after Halloween. Victor said he was tired of being a probation officer and would use the outfit to land another job after Trump gets kicked out of the White House.

“The guy who made the Borat movies said he’s always looking for people to play racist buffoons,” Victor explained. “If Trump doesn’t want the job, I’ll take it.”

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