Holy eschatology, the end is near. Worthy folks across the land are wrapping up their earthly business and getting ready to be summoned, or assumed, or maybe just whooshed into heaven at 6 p.m. Saturday.
There has been much debate on whether all good people will ascend en masse on May 21 or in groups over the next couple of months, but 89-year-old Harold Camping, prophet and MC of Judgment Day, is unequivocal on this point. The Rapture will be an all-in-one-day affair, like one of those mass weddings presided over by the Rev. Moon in the 1980s. So spend your savings and forget your debts, amen.
But don’t forget your pets. There is still time to connect with the good folks at Eternal Earthbound Pets who, for a small fee, will make sure you’re not too sorely missed by the “four-legged and feathered friends” you leave behind to await world’s end.
Some preachers have doubts about Camping’s prediction, and many skeptics have pointed out that rapture time will vary according to what time zone you’re in. But would you take the word of naysayers and risk the health of your pet(s), not to mention the wrath of the Divine Timekeeper?
BTW, those of us who remain unraptured can look forward to a few months of lag time while the Divine One puts the final touches on Armageddon. Not a bad prospect if you stock up on the right drugs and the greatest hits of Mahalia Jackson.
Footnote: In case the Rapture doesn’t happen, there is still a good chance the Rupture will. The latter is from novelist Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story and refers to the near future when the United States goes bankrupt, microcomputers eliminate privacy and the government does away with the poor. Now that’s a prediction I can believe.