I’m Fast Eddie Rendell, and I’m smarter than the rest of you guys, always have been. It took me years to make you understand that casino gambling is the solution to shuttered factories and tens of thousands of lost jobs. That it’s good for the economy when people go broke at casinos, because some of what they lose comes back to state coffers. And so what if the losers can no longer afford to pay the mortgage or feed the kids? That’s what welfare is for.
Let’s face it, the sort of degenerates you see at casinos these days would blow their money on football pools or cockroach-racing if they couldn’t feed the slots in PA.
As we part-time sports announcers (ugh, how about those Eagles?) like to say, this is a no-brainer to everyone but Leslie Stahl and her sinister producers on 60 Minutes who ambushed me Sunday night with a bunch of stupid questions about the alarming nationwide proliferation of legalized gambling.
I mean, only wusses think casinos aren’t good business. Sure, these seedy little slots parlors sucker the poor and the clueless, but how else was I supposed to make up for the tax money that corporations and people with six-figure incomes won’t pay? If you guys don’t get that, you’re simpletons. You’re idiots if you don’t get that.
You’re probably involved with Casino-Free Philadelphia or one of those other professional leftist wing-nut groups that somehow blocked Foxwoods from building a second casino on the Philly waterfront, not long after I helped Neil Bluhm, my billionaire buddy from Chicago, build the first one.
You don’t get that the super-rich own this country, and that it’s a politician’s job to help the super-rich get even richer so that, when the politician’s term of office is up, he can reach out to the super-rich and get rich, too.
Let me put it this way: Do you know how many years I would have to be governor to make what Michael Jordan made in one year? I do — 600 or so. (I’m repeating this in case you didn’t hear me on “Radio Times” today.)
It’s my turn, people. It’s time to hit the jackpot, and I’m not talking about the video slots in those trashy-ass casinos I spent half of my adult life trying to help build. Or don’t you get it?